It's a bit longer than what I usually post - just over 400 words - but it's mostly dialogue and moves quickly. I think the only set up you need is that prior to this scene, Bridget's been unsuccessfully trying to figure out a series of anagrams which hold a secret message...
With her eyes still closed, Bridget felt Matt slip a tentative hand around her waist. Her eyes flew open and she felt him hold his breath, waiting she guessed for a quick elbow in the ribs.
"Smile!" Bridget's mom said and snapped off a half dozen photos.
After a second or two with no violent reaction from her, Matt's grip on her waist strengthened and he pulled her into his body while her mom continued to snap away.
Bridget's heart raced. What the hell was wrong with her? She didn't even like Matt. Not that he wasn't cute in the sort of conventional American high school way, but he was just so vanilla. Not edgy. Not fun. She stole a glance as his retro outfit. Was he?
"Ew," Sammy said and wrinkled his nose.
"Shut up, Sammy." Really? Did they share the same DNA?
"Go to your room, Sammy," Bridget's mom said. She was still clicking pictures even as Matt removed his hand from around Bridget's waist. Sammy didn't, of course. Just plopped down on the floor with a pencil and a piece of paper and started working on a puzzle or something.
"We should go," Matt said, heading for the door.
Panic set in. She was going to a dance, a friggin lame ass school dance. And other than Matt she wasn't going to know a single person there.
"Bridget," he said when she hadn't moved an inch. "Are you ready?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess." Ready was about the least appropriate word to describe Bridget at that moment.
"Home by midnight," her mom said from the door and Bridget picked her way down the stairs in her ridiculous silver heels.
Bridget was just stepping into Matt's truck when Sammy came tearing down the stairs.
"I solved it, Bridge. I solved it."
She glanced an apology at Matt. Yep, that was her semi-autistic little freak of a brother. "Solved what?"
Sammy waved the piece of notebook paper he'd been fiddling with upstairs. "Your puzzle. The one you left me in the bathroom."
Bridget snatched the paper away from him. "That wasn't for you."
"Sammy, get inside," Mrs. Liu called from the doorway. "Now!"
Sammy was so pleased with himself he did a little pirouette then pranced up the stairs.
"Sorry," Bridget said as Matt got in the truck.
"That's okay. I always wanted a brother."
"Not that brother," she said. "Trust me."
Matt smiled as he backed out of the driveway. As they drove away, Bridget glanced down at the paper of anagrams still clasped in her hand. At the very bottom, in a deliberate all caps scrawl, was Sammy's solution:
Don't Trust the Priest.
Ha! I really like this. Loved the 'elbow in the ribs', it took me right into Bridget's head.
ReplyDeleteYou're right, it didn't feel like 400 words. I love the way the dialogue and Bridget's thoughts paint the picture.
The last line is ace.
Please post more.
Oh, nice creepy ending there.
ReplyDeleteBridget has got such a great voice: so sharp and snarky and clear. And this title just rocks.
Trying to post for the 2nd time... (I'm having terrible luck with comment fields lately)
ReplyDeleteNice creepy ending there. I love her brother.
Bridget has got such a great voice: sharp, snarky, and very clear. This is great stuff.
How odd! I left a comment!
ReplyDeleteLove this. I love how you paint the picture with dialogue and Bridget's thoughts. It certainly doesn't feel like 400 words, it feels effortless.
The last line is awesome. Please post more!
Ooh, I agree with Sunna - excellent creepy ending. I'm really liking the voice in this one.
ReplyDeleteGood piece, as always! You might want to go back and comb through it for missing commas, but other than that, this flowed well. I was going to say something about Sammy's behavior if he was autistic but then I saw it was semi-autistic, so I'm sure this would work. Though it does make me wonder how one can be "semi".
ReplyDeleteAnd the ending is gripping! I wish'd you hadn't stopped there. Great stuff!
Sorry for the Blogged comment hatred, folks but thanks for the comments!
ReplyDeleteChrista, Sammy's not really autistic. Just a pain in the ass little know-it-all. The rest is just Bridget being Bridget.
lmao, LOVED the last line. "Don't trust the Priest" that's a great solution to a puzzle, hehehehehehe...
ReplyDeletecan't wait to see where it leads.
HA--loved this! You do close third so well--it feels almost like first to me! Love Bridget's snarkiness, love the semi-autistic comment,and the ending is GREAT! Won't give you any tiny grammar niggles, since it's rough. ;)
ReplyDeleteExcited to read more!
But, I WANT tiny grammer niggles... *pouts*
ReplyDeleteThis is really good. I like the way she's thinking about Matt. Also, about her brother. It's sad and just a punch to the gut, but true as far as how high school would think. Love the ending, it really makes me want more. The only thing that stood out to me was "conventional American way, etc." Is she not American? If so, then it makes sense. If not, it didn't seem like a description she would use.
ReplyDeleteLiking it, Gretchen! Last line is a kicker.
ReplyDeleteLoved the ending. Nice build-up.
ReplyDeleteNice tension and voice. I've been writing so much in 1st person I almost forgot how fun it is to read this kind of writing. You so deserve ROCK STAR! Can't wait to see what you do with this one.
ReplyDeletelove the last line! :)
ReplyDeleteOMG, loved it!!! The way it ends - I want more!! Nicely done!!
ReplyDeleteOMG I NEED MORE. :D I love that ending.
ReplyDelete