My friend Denise sent me this link which announces that Pirates helmer Gore Verbinski is set to direct a new film adaptation of the board game Clue.Lame.
First off, to comment on this new mad dash to buy up film rights to board games (Etan Cohen's writing a screenplay for Candyland and Ridley Scott is in development on Monopoly): um, why? Is that what we've really come to? Didn't we learn our lessons in the post Pirates malaise that not all Disneyland rides lend themselves to the big screen (*ahem* Haunted House). That horrific failure saved us from the inevitable Matterhorn movie, though I for one think it's high time we had a horribly cliche Swiss mountaineering adventure starring a 4 foot tall Abominable Snowman.
So now, board games? I mean, we're scraping the bottom of the barrel, right? All the video games have been spoken for, I suppose, and while Candyland could be the next hit amongst stoners worldwide, how far are we from a Sorry! movie? Parcheesi? Connect Four? Ooo, the suspense! Or a horror film based around Hungry, Hungry Hippo? Could be a winner.
But Clue, specifically, rubs me the wrong way. Why? Because the 1985 masterpiece Clue is one of the funniest, most quotable films of all time. And yes, I know it was a major flop when it came out, but for my generation (kids at the time) it was/is Oscar caliber. I mean who doesn't know these quotes?
"And monkeys brains, though popular in Cantonese cuisine, are not often to be found in Washington, D.C.!"
"I'm not shouting! Alright I am. I'm shouting, I'm shouting, I'm shou-" *doink*
"And you got a letter and you got a letter and you got a letter."
"Even if you were right, that would be one plus one plus two plus one, not one plus *two* plus one plus one."
and my personal favorite -"I hated her, so much... it-it- the f - it -flam - flames. Flames, on the side of my face, breathing-breathl- heaving breaths. Heaving breath... "
So in closing, while I'm sure some sort of serious, suspenseful screenplay is in development for Clue: the Movie, Redux, I for one will be showing up at the premiere, protest sign in hand, dressed as Madeline Kahn's Mrs. White.
Mad Magazine? Jenga? Oh what about Battleship? Well, I guess that is basically every war movie already. Pretty Pretty Princess? Ooooooh, Chinese Checkers could be a real nail biter.
ReplyDeleteBattleship would just be one long stream of "You sunk my battleship." "No, you sunk MY battleship." Ooo, the drama!
ReplyDeleteAnd just when I was about to write a screenplay for Chutes & Ladders. Come on! That would be exciting. They climb up! The slide down! They climb up again!
ReplyDeleteThe sad thing about the collapse of movies based on Disney rides is that I was hoping for a Splash Mountain movie, that could be the first movie based on a ride that is itself based on a movie!
ReplyDeleteI hate this idea so much, I can't even express it (though the "flames" quote above is pretty close). Can't even get started on every great line/scene in the movie. I'll join you in protest, dressed as Mrs. Peacock! "Our LIVES are in danger, you beatnik!"
ReplyDeleteI hosted a Halloween Party a few years ago in a magic theater a friend owns. It was a CLUE party - everyone had to come dressed like a character from the movie and then we drank like pigs and screened the film. We even had a Singing Telegram Girl!
ReplyDeleteIt was epic.
This is just so wrong. Since you took my favorite character, Mrs. White, I will join in protest as Miss Scarlet.
ReplyDeleteI vote for a Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots movie.
ReplyDelete