pandora/ipod: "since u been gone" by kelly clarkson
For those of you who don't know, I live in Los Angeles. I love it here, I really do. It's a city of opportunity and options; of insanity and inspiration; of the good, the bad and the fugly. And I can't imagine living any place else.
But there's one part of LA culture that I'm not sure I'll ever come to terms with. Here, a huge measure of one's self-worth is based on your looks and, especially for females, you've got to be skinny and pretty or you might as well be invisible.
Don't get me wrong, my personal insecurities with this issue started long before I moved to LA. I was never the "pretty" one, always the "smart" one. And I wouldn't trade my brains for the world, but there was definitely a part of 12 year old Gretchen who envied the tall, pretty girls with their Guess jeans and skinny T's who wore expertly applied makeup by the sixth grade while I was still spazzing out with bad skin, braces and glasses...
Yeah. This ring a bell for anyone?
Skinny and pretty. Oh, the angst those concepts have brought me. Funny thing, I consider myself a relatively confident person. I've learned to get by on brains and charm - and haven't fared too badly. But when I walk into a room or a bar or a party, I am all too cognizant of the fact that eyes do NOT turn my direction. It's not until after a conversation with someone that interest might exist, but honestly? That interest is usually trumped by beauty.
Brains vs. Beauty, the age-old battle. And now for my dichotomy. Despite the fact that I don't care much for my looks, I'm incredibly, incredibly vain. I know, right? How screwed up is that? But that's where the battle comes into play. I use my brains to try and make myself pretty. I take great pains with hair and makeup, clothes and shoes. Even my vlogs are set up in flattering light with flattering angles.
Yes, I think about all those things. Yes, it's probably pretty fucked up.
And this is all POST 30ish pounds of weight loss. I still feel...inadequate. I fight it. I push those feelings aside. I pretend that I'm strong and confident. Fake it til you make it, right?
So why am I blogging about this? Twofold. It's partly cathartic, as it's a hot button issue I've been forced to deal with lately. And partly because, well, if there are any teens out there actually reading this blog who might find it helpful to hear that a grown-ass woman deals with the same body image issues they might be dealing with... Yeah, maybe it could help.
Or scare the crap out of them that these issues never go away? Dammit, I'm making it worse aren't I????
:D
Okay, so here's the thing, LA makes you hyper aware of crap like this. It's the nature of the industry here and the people who populate it. And I'm definitely not condemning them for it. It is what it is and I embrace all facets of this crazy little town. But perhaps for all you body-image-suffering girls out there reading this thinking "How can SHE feel this way?" the realization that so many of us seemingly confident folks suffer from the same issues might make the whole process more bearable.
That's all I got. Peace out.
It's not just LA that makes people feel like crap about themselves. My best friends in high school were twins- two of the prettiest girls I've ever met in my life, and it tore my self-esteem to shreds. They jokingly introduced me to a guy as their "triplet" once, and he laughed in my face and said, "YEAH RIGHT." I also had someone tell I'm not anyone they'd "pick out of crowd", but that I was beautiful once he got to know me.
ReplyDeleteAnd as much as I love being smart, I still wish I knew what it felt like to walk into a room and have people barely hold it together because I'm just so damn beautiful! *Sigh* This is why I write about girls who are pretty AND smart!
Ahhh, it's like you read my mind with this post!
ReplyDeleteYou do photograph incredibly well, though! That's a gift in itself XD
OH yes, understand the feeling. I live in a similar place where I grew up and then moved away, gained about 60 lbs and then moved back and feel all the eyes ON me for the wrong reasons. I tell my mom (who lives here) that I feel like they are all judging me. Because I used to be the skinny, cute one that all the guys picked up on (no I swear, and I didn't realize it until now) and now I'm not. And you know what she said? (this is classic of my mom) "THEY ARE JUDGING YOU." Yeah! She knows these people ('cause we're living in her neighborhood) and they ARE judging me. Great. So, not a lot of strong feelings here. But I still have great hopes, stubborn ones, that I will get 'healthier'.
ReplyDeleteBut really, I know what you mean about people not looking at you. People used to find MY eyes, and now I have a hard time getting them to look at me when I speak to them. OR at least as much as they used to.
I love this post so much.
ReplyDeleteOh man, this is such a struggle. I'm in Orange County and it's a lot of the same thing. And the thing is, I am tall and blonde and I get so many "oh, you're so tall and blonde and gorgeous" comments. But I look at other people and I'm just...ugh. It feels so ridiculous even typing it out because I know I'm so blessed in so many ways, but I know what you mean about feeling inadequate. I am surrounded by people who are SO skinny and SO beautiful (and on the other side I am surrounded by people who are SO smart and SO talented) that I just feel mediocre, and I HATE feeling that way. Ugh.
I feign confidence SO WELL, but it is still such a struggle.
Thanks for posting this.
Jessica, totally hear you on the OC. My ex-husband was from Brea and I spent a lot of time there. In some ways, it's almost worse than West LA!
ReplyDeleteI just wrote a similar post on my own blog. I feel exactly like you do, no kidding! I just watched a documentary called Bigger, Faster, Stronger: the Side Effects of Growing Up American-- it's about steroid use by guy who has actually USED anabolic steroids- so have his brothers. I came to the conclusion that men have their insecurities, too, but not as big as women do, in my opinion.
ReplyDeleteMy mother-in-law is eighty-eight. Yes, 88, and she STILL talks about the weight she put on, or is trying to take off...
ReplyDeleteCrap! if it doesn't end before 88...
But her being so reprehensible has helped me squash my vanity nicely.
xo
amy
I've been obsessed with the gym since I was in high school. I'm 23 now and I've been yo-yo dieting since 13. I do think it's important to look your best in public. It's something I was raised with. Because no matter how much we value smarts and all that insides stuff, we really DO look on the outside first. It's human.
ReplyDeleteAlso, you're a lovely red head and I congratulate you on being post-losing-30-lbs :)
I have a friend who eats fried pork rinds for breakfast and she's a double 00. I have to bust my butt at the gym to stay healthy. Grrrrr.
Dude! I LIVE this....beyond words
ReplyDeleteThink I have such a big comment I'm gonna have to blog it.
ReplyDeleteGretchen,
ReplyDeleteI would have just one of you than 30 of the "tall, pretty, skinny" dipshits. Why? Because you ARE beautiful. I thought that since day one--just didn't say anything. Why didn't I? Why should I? What difference does it make in our relationship? Why be so stupid as to open my pie-hole and let slip something that would forever color (possibly negatively) our friendship?
Too late. I think I said it. ;)
And besides, EVERYONE knows that redheads beat the crap out of everyone else in pure sexiness. So you have that over those bubble-headed, fake tan wearing, artificial eyelash embroidered artificially enhanced snobs.
You rock, don't let anyone--even yourself--convince you otherwise.
Like I said: I'll take one of you over 30 of them. Anytime, anyday. Always.
I live in Boston and I'm very much aware of all the skinny vapid gorgeous girls around me. Men easily 'date up' around here because the gorgeous girls far outnumber the men. I do get looks when I walk into a place but it's the head to toe size-up and then a quick look away of disgust with the attitude of 'what is FATTY doing here?' I've been on dates and was told that i'm 'too fat to date... but (he's) willing to overlook it and be 'friends'... if you know what i mean nudge nudge'
ReplyDeleteI see the terror in people's eyes when I get on the bus/train and the air of 'oh geez don't sit next to me' mantra going through people's heads. And the thing is, I'm not THAT large (sz 22/24) but it's a sensation I feel everywhere I go here.
It's scary, every time I read your postings (here or twitter or whathaveyou) how often I think 'omg she's in my head!!!'
have you ever considered writing a memoir? Because I would totally read that!! You have such a great outlook and such a fantastic personality and you really live life. I think a light hearted memoir from you would interest a lot of people. Just a thought :)
I feel kind of the other way around. I'm 18 and overweight and I'm actually really ok with my body, I love myself and all that crap. I'd never think of loosing weight b/c somebody tells me to or anything.
ReplyDeleteBut everywhere I go, I feel like people are giving me disgusted glances. I'm not obese, I'm a curvy size 12-14 and I have really long legs, still I feel like whereever I go people turn their heads, and then turn to their friends and whisper rude things...
I know exactly how you feel. I don't know if it will ever go away.
ReplyDeleteBut one time in LA, I was standing in the bathroom, feeling sorry for myself for never being skinny-- while two skinny coworkers barfed in the stalls behind me. And I was like, NOTHING IS WORTH DOING THAT.
Can totally relate to this. Especially the part about feeling totally confident...but then not. Anyway, thanks for the honest post. It does help to know others feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteThe hard thing is breaking the cycle between generations. I was raised out in the boonies, but I might as well have ingest self-hatred with my mother's breast milk. She's spent her whole life yo-yo dieting and saying hateful stuff about fatness while being fat. She's spent my whole life complicating my relationship with food and my body. I'm nearly 40 and I don't know where her issues end and mine start. I think that's the most important thing mothers can do--not give their daughters the same issues they have.
ReplyDeleteMan, my awkward days were pretty awkward. Shy, full of acne, skinny as a twig at a time when "in" was curvy to all the guys. Thankfully I've grown out of all of that. It's great to hear you lost 30 lbs. That is no easy feat, so you should be more than proud. You may never be like all the other women in the way you wish to be, but you're an original, and we like our gretchen that way ;-).
ReplyDeleteThe following is part 2 of what I wanted to say, but got sidetracked with the job that pays my bills...forgive the delay....
ReplyDeleteQuoth the Gretchen: "And this is all POST 30ish pounds of weight loss. I still feel...inadequate."
You can lose all the weight in the world, and be a size zero, and look "to die for," and if in your own mind you're not worthy of respect, love, and companionship all the weight loss in the world won't save your soul from wounds of the mind. Don't out-psych yourself. Each doubt you have about your own self -- that lack of confidence -- is like a bullet in a gun that other people can use against you.
"I'm fat" -- BLAM! One shot.
"I'm too short" -- BLAM! Second round.
"I don't deserve it" -- BLAM! Third, and dead.
Take all that shit and throw it away. All of it.
Do you not know that each woman is possessed of her own special majesty? Have you not been told that womanhood is magical? Good, God,...who did this disservice to you?
Look, I'm a guy, ok, and not an attractive one either (look at my pic, I double dog-dare you), and it took me YEARS to learn that there is one big lesson to learn when it comes to looks: It doesn't matter. You are who you are. You can change your hair, your eyes, your size, and your level of tanning--but you're still you...on the inside.
The question you have to answer is: is who I am, on the inside, of value?
I can tell you this much--YES. And this isn't directed to just Gretchen, please let me direct this to every man and woman out there who reads this in the years to come. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, then read these words and take them to your heart.
You Are Awesome.
I know, you don't believe me. Right now, you're sitting there reading this asking "Who the hell is this Phil guy anyways?" "What makes him think he has the inside track on this?"
Girls, listen: men have body and look issues too. That's not something possessed of the distaff side alone, you know. Where you are when you're in your deepest dispair over this--I was there too. So were lots of people.
So again, I must intone: you are you, and you are awesome.
I ain't perfect; I ain't gonna be. But what I am going to be, is me.
You be you, I'll be me. Together, we'll be us. Let those puking-in-the-stalls, crazy and hell-bent for some ideal of perfection girls ruin themselves in the name of some impossible goal.
Give me a real woman anytime. A woman who, like me, has doubts but is willing to share them with me--and who I can share my doubts--and together we can overcome them both.
Damn, this is long winded. I'm sorry. I hope you forgive the length. But more than that, I hope you understand what I'm trying to say. Take it to heart and know that your awesomeosity is not now, nor ever shall be, in doubt...unless it is you who doubt it.
Great post, Gretchen, and a lot of great comments as well. Inherently being social animals plus our minds tending to be our own worst enemy creates a toxic mix.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain, honestly I do. We won't talk about my cankles...but every time I go up to LA I'm struck again with how PLASTIC they all look, those 'perfect' women with their generic cheekbones, fake tans, bee stung lips and platinum hair. There are so many of them, who can tell them apart? Where's the individuality? When you walk into a bar/restaurant/bistro where you feel ignored, what do you think those men are looking for when they see the Barbies? A long term relationship? Best friend? Intellectual stimulation? Stay strong and stay true to who you are, my friend, and try (I know it's easy for me to say) to ignore the comparison with the LA Barbies, because you don't want someone who picks them over you. You want someone who appreciates the unique and wonderful Gretchen.
ReplyDeleteAnd I have to say something else too...if you wanted to point out how lacking you are by comparison, perhaps you should have posted a less gorgeous photo of yourself, complete with flawless skin and stunning hair! Ha.
I think even the girls who are skinny and pretty probably have moments where they think they're not good enough. Why do you think they try so hard? ;)
ReplyDeleteI've been on both ends of the spectrum, fugly and scrawny in junior high/half of high school, pretty and skinny in college. Being pretty never got me anything I couldn't have gotten using brains and charm. Except for a lot of negative attention.
Great post, Gretchen!
As a teen who plans on moving to LA for college next year....damn.
ReplyDeleteHey, Gretchen - you are one hell of a kick-ass gorgeous funny intelligent woman with an amazing book out - what's not to love????
ReplyDeleteKeely
Love you, Gretchen. The amazing thing is that you come across as a 100% confident femme fatale so thank you for being brave enough to share this in such a funny, honest way. I grew up in Los Angeles and I struggle with this nonsense EVERY DAY.
ReplyDeleteOh Gretchen.. you read my mind. I was just thinking about how silly this all is and yet how unavoidable. I'm in OC too and gosh it sucks! I felt the same pressure in the Midwest when I lived there...but not to this degree.
ReplyDeleteNot that you need this, but you are gorgeous and seem like a great person to boot! :)
I want to thank everyone for their honest, thoughtful comments to this post. Know that I didn't write it with the intention of getting a slew of compliments. In fact, while I intellectually know that so much of what you say is true, implementing that into my psyche is near impossible.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm glad to hear that so many of you got something from this. :)
Yep, sometimes I wonder if EVERY girl in America (and other places too, I'm sure) doesn't deal with this to some degree or other, from skinny to large. I did the bad dieting thing as a teenager, and when I walk around now, probably 30 pounds over what they say is good, I'm pretty confident in myself, FINALLY. Until I walk by some full length mirror and do a double-take--it's like I'm ten pounds skinnier in my head, and I'm always shocked with proof of otherwise!!! Especially after stressful end of school where I magically gained ten pounds. 'NOT FAIR!!!' I shout to the universe. The universe just winks back ;)
ReplyDeleteAll I want to say is I'm a guy and I've never met you in person but visit your blog often. Just from your voice on this website and your great pics, I think you are incredibly good-looking AND talented. Any guy who doesn't see that must be out of his mind.
ReplyDeleteSo there.
I think body image is something we all struggle with, no matter who we are or where we live or how we look to other people. In many ways it just gets worse as we get older, we just tend to talk about it less often. Kudos to you, Gretchen, for having the guts to share your own insecurities to help other ladies deal with their own.
ReplyDeleteI loved this honest post. I still feel this way, and I'm way beyond my teen years (WAY). I never felt particularly beautiful OR smart, so what to do? Wit? Charm? Who knows. I actually feel better about myself now that I'm a bit older.
ReplyDelete