mood: sniffly
pandora/ipod: "paradise city" by guns 'n' rosesI missed the last two posts for The Kindness Project, but I was determined to post this month.
I wanted to talk a little bit about the challenges of trying to bring a mindset of kindness into my life, especially in relation to people I don't like, don't respect, and don't particularly want to be in my life, but through circumstances of work, family or proximity, I'm forced to interact with on a regular basis.
Remembering to be kind to someone who deserves it is hard enough. But with someone who doesn't? Yeah, a real challenge. And something I struggle with.
We all know them: the annoying coworker, neighbor, colleague or relative who does nothing but irritate the crap out of you. They're not particularly nice. They're mean and stingy to others. They're selfish with their time. They're utterly self-involved. They do nothing but talk about themselves, their achievements, their challenges, their awesomeness without even once asking about yours. They badmouth others with disturbing regularity and with a sense of utter entitlement. They exist in an impenetrable bubble of their own self-importance.
It's all I can do not to smack them on the forehead and say, "Really? REALLY?"
Challenge...
I had an experience with someone like this a few months ago that seriously boiled by blood. I was going to be forced to spend an entire day in close proximity to this person, and my coping mechanism was to avoid them at all costs, thus keeping my notorious temper in check and my sharp tongue out of temptation's reach. I thought this was the best way to deal, but...was it the kind way?
I remember seeing this person at one point in the day, alone. Alone and, more importantly, lonely. The impenetrable bubble of self-importance has an irrefutable side effect: isolation.
Part of me (er, the unkind part) smiled inside. "Ha, ha, douche. Reap what you sow." And part of me (a smaller part, sadly) felt sorry for this person. Did he/she know people were intentionally avoiding their presence? Were they confused as to why? Could they not step outside themselves and view their behavior objectively?
Probably not, of course, because that was all part of the problem to begin with.
The part that felt sorry for this person also wanted to figure out a way to help them. Be kind and spend time with them, as distasteful a thought as that was? Was I close enough to this person to perhaps bring it up and suggest reasons WHY they were isolated? Would that help or make the situation worse?
Challenge...
In the end, I did nothing. The coward's way out, I suppose. Thinking back, if it was me and I was isolated and shunned, I'd probably want someone to tell me WHY. As painful as it might be to hear, at least I'd know and, if I chose, could take steps to remedy the situation.
Then again, is it my place as a casual acquaintance? Shouldn't it be someone closer to the individual that instigates an intervention? It's easy to think that, because it's easier to shift the burden to someone else. But in the moment I noticed this person's loneliness, I think it was, in part, my responsibility.
I'm not sure how I would handle a similar situation in the future. If you have some suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I only know that this specific encounter highlighted my own deficiencies of kindness, and all I can do is try to be "better" next time.
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It's a tough question, especially in the workplace, where unsolicited behavior critiques can end up with complaints to HR. But props to you for thinking about it.
ReplyDeleteHow I have dealt with situations like this is to be a good example. I don't think it's up to you to fix the situation (if they are alone, that's their consequence of being a dick!)but it is always nice to perhaps smile. A smile can be an amazing healer and can reach out and show someone they are not alone. I just try and be kind and if other people aren't, that's their choice. It's not your responsibility to fix them, just yourself. Great post.
ReplyDeleteSmiles always work, and can be totally ambiguous. ;)
DeleteIt's always easier to figure out what we should have done well after it's too late. But you are doing right by considering the situation and how something similar could be handled in the future. It's the people who take no notice that I worry for. They see no need to better themselves.
ReplyDeleteI'm chuckling to myself, because i SO have people like this in my life. And perhaps it's easier to justify not being kind to people who are as oblivious as this, but you make an excellent point: maybe it is worth trying anyway.
ReplyDeleteWell, I've certainly been in this situation. It's a tough call. I probably wouldn't have said anything about why they were all alone, but I might have tried to strike up a conversation. It's one of those things that over time, and over several conversations, you might find a way to let them know. But who's to know that it would ever get to that point? Sometimes the most egotistical, narcissistic jackwads are also the loneliest. These sorts of personalities are generality born out of insecurity, I think, compensating for their lack of self-worth with vanity and unpleasantness which keeps people at a distance. It's really sad, too, because the very thing they need most is friendship to help them combat their insecurity.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I don't think this person is your responsibility. But you might be surprised how just smiling at them--even if it does nothing for them--might help alleviate your own distress being in their presence.
This is one of the hardest things I've been struggling with for years and years, and even more so since joining TKP -- because there are family members I have to see/deal with regularly that have been more UNkind to me (and flat out mean and horrible, and continue to be) than any other people I've ever known. But the thing that makes the situation unique is that they are very nice and generous to people they want to impress, or people that they decide are worth it for whatever reason. So most people think they are amazing and so generous and blah blah blah. And I get to watch all this and continue trying to be kind to them and watch them continue to treat me with contempt. It sucks. But every month we do these posts and I recommit to trying harder. Hoping that maybe someday something will change. And maybe it never will, but I will keep trying, if only for my own conscience and peace of mind. But man, it's hard.
ReplyDeleteI guess I'd say next time just try smiling at them, maybe just a kind word or two. Even if it does nothing for them, I'm sure it'll make you feel much happier.
That was a tough call, and I've been in your shoes more than once. I wouldn't have done anything, either. Next time, I'd say just initiate a smile, but leave it up to them if they want to approach you. It's the perfect compromise between your annoyance and your conscience.
ReplyDeleteParagraph 2: Three Lunches/Hernia Man.
ReplyDeleteThe benefits of following you on Twitter. lol
Thankfully, I never see that person outside the office. ;)
DeleteThat's a tough one. WE can't allow people to walk on us and treat us badly and sometimes being kind to them only makes that worse. On the other hand, we don't want to stoop to their level and become like them by being aloof. I struggle with this as well with a few co-workers who are just downright nasty to others. The way I see it is that we can be kind until it's time to not be kind, and there is nothing wrong with calling someone out~kindly~and saying we don't appreciate being spoken to or treated that way.
ReplyDeleteWell, my first thought was that at least you even noticed that person was alone and lonely. that scores points. I'm not for sure if I would even looked in that direction at someone I didn't particularly cared about.
ReplyDelete